STEPS ON THE WAY

But it wasn`t just that. Every time the thought about our future vision came up now, it started making me wiery. Just thinking about it left me so tired, that I wasn`t even sure I wanted that vision anymore... I noticed, that right now I just wanted a house with a garden, my husband and kids around me, and a sofa I can drink my coffee on. Of course it would be nice if people would get saved, healed, and restored! But going on this journey with them to get there, suddenly seemed so exhausting! I didn`t want to travel to a foreign country anymore. I didn`t want to explore, or build up a home from nothing. I didn`t want to put all my energy into something that was still foreign to me. I just wanted to be home. 

When I realized these thoughts and wishes inside of me, I began to doubt. Was something wrong with me? Had I given up? I always thought, this is who I am: The „zealous dream chaser“... But who was I now, without that passion and longing? I suddenly felt so un-emotional… I tried to remind myself of all the Jesus-experiences that would come with our calling: All the lifes changed, hearts healed and broken souls restored!! But it didn`t help - I still felt as if everything would be too much. And that confused me. Maybe I was not willing enough for Gods calling…?

But over time I realized, that something completely different was the issue here: I had started believing a lie about myself! I had started to believe, that I lost a part of my identity. That being constantly zealous about a life yet to live, was who I am. And now that I realized that this part of me wasn`t as constant as I thought, I started believing, that I won`t have what it takes! 
But here is the truth: Being zealous about what God asks you to do is amazing! But it`s totally ok, to not feel like you want to do it sometimes. Just remember Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac, or Jesus having to lay down his life for all humanity… God doesn`t necessarily require passionate shouts of joy, when he asks you into a mission. And for me it was important to understand, that this „always happy about it - thing“ was not my identity! I am me, and that comes with everything HE says I am. :) And even when I am tired of his plans sometimes, that doesn`t change how he sees me! And most of all: It doesn`t make me any less capable to do the task he gave me! The truth is: I have always not been capable of it! But with HIM as my strength and source of power, I will be able to do it! It is not about me, and how much I like his plan in that moment – It is fully about him, and his abilities. And they are endless! :) 

So, the only thing we really have to do, is to acknowledge this current state of „don`t wanna do this right now, Lord!“, and then do it anyway. Because what really pleases God, is willing obediance, out of the trust that he knows what he is doing :) 

Looking at my emotional journey from this new view point, made me realize that I didn`t loose my zealousness or became „un-emotional“. Instead, my understanding of the cost this vision comes with, had deepened - And that had made my zealousness mature. It wasn`t gone. It just got hit with some reality. ;) And now my task is, to not let this reality build fear inside of me. I will take care that my current longing for rest and comfort, will not interfere with Gods plans. I will fill my heart with thankfulness, readiness and joy about everything he wants to do in the future, and trust, that he will give us what we need, so that we will have what it takes!

Which brings me back to the present day: Right now, I have everything I need! We have a home, we have a garden, we have a sofa I can drink my coffee on, and soon I won`t only have my husband around, but also our son. :) It`s everything my heart is currently longing for!! So instead of being worried that I won`t have this forever, I will thankfully enjoy it right now :) And instead of worrying, that right now I don`t have energy for what is required of me later, I will trust that God will give it to me when I actually need it :)

So for now I will just sit here and enjoy my current situation. And when he says go, I will gladly give it up again, knowing that by his grace, I just am who I am.